Stop Dreaming Fool

Dear Blog,

This post is a contemplation on dreaming... and how it's useless.

Today I turned on my computer at work and stared into the inbox of truth- No one is, or should be holding my hand anymore. I'm earning my own living without being on a financial plateau and I use phrases like, "Shouldn't we co-term with that vendor?" or "Optimally this would be addressed with a Purchase Order, please speak to so-and-so." This may not sound like much to some, but for a visual arts major once scared of numbers and with no finance background, nor much "Professional" history, I feel like I've climbed a mountain, and learned a lot. Serial numbers attached to hardware suddenly reveal meaning, contract numbers finally convey significance instead of mystifying and intimidating me. I feel like the rock star of multi-task and organization, and let me tell you, the spotlight is warm.

As I sift through stacks of paperwork, answer the phone, fill forms and print budget records I am every so often transported to the time when my sister and I would play office in the doorway of our room. With a nightstand blocking the entry, she and I would sit behind it with paper laptops cut from printer paper, a mousepad and keyboard drawn on the bottom, a wide open screen at the top. Dad would come up the stairs and we would inform him that he was to see Mr. What's-his-face in half an hour, and would he like to schedule his next appointment? I live the real deal now, though the memory of play doesn't always veil the honesty of adult work. I like it. Don't get me wrong. I have a fantastic group of co-workers and a sense of pride and responsibility- a chance to prove my work ethic and earn things like sushi lunches and furniture from Ikea. However, something that happened last week made me question all over again: was my artist, dreamer heart meant for the computer screen and the blockade of the cubicle? My free spirit cries out, "I don't know."

It comes down to this: Last week while working the quiet holiday of Veteran's Day, only two of my fellow eighteen co-workers with me in the building, we got to talking about America's Got Talent, and some recent show-stoppers who's lives were changed forever by their voices. As the youtube clips played, I felt a cool chill under my skin that wasn't coming from the refrigerated computers stacked in the next room. I felt it like a whispering reminder, a glimmer of inspiration, a beckoning to do something wondrous, like they. Not for fame, not for fortune, not even for fun, just to give myself the chance I deserve, that I never could allow for insecurity, doubt and poor timing. Let me ask you this, if we have a passion or compulsion to create something in the world, isn't it only right that we shed light on it, let it have a chance to step out, breath the air and prove worthy? Yes, I'm about to name drop here- Nelson Mandela once said, "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking..." and "We were born to make manifest the glory...within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

With this nagging at my heart, I told my coworker about my own youtube page and made him promise in my bashfulness and disobedience to my own advice, that he would not share it with anyone else in the office or watch it while I was standing nearby. I wandered off. He had a listen. Ten minutes later he came around the corner and said to me, "I hope you don't take this the wrong way but, I'm going to be really upset if I see you here in five years." Maybe it's a little bit of desperation--finding my artsy self cornered in the grayscale of office life--but it doesn't make my renewed interest in writing and performing any less valid.

So what? Why don't I up and dedicate everything to music, to craft, to the life that my folksy acoustic little soul wants so badly? I'll tell you why. I'm just a dreamer. Perhaps a dreamer plus I'm scared. What do dreamers do best anyway, but dream? Therein lies the problem. When did the act of dreaming actually accomplish the dream? As I grow older and opportunities pass, I start to realize how precious they have been and how conflicted I was and how content to have stayed in the dream and never the realization. I once sat in a world class producer's studio with two big names in the city of Chicago. One of them asked me, "Do you want this? Is this your everything?" And good ol' Abe Lincoln that I am I honestly told him, "I don't know." I thought of the things I would not sacrifice- My happy life in Portland, Maine where I lived at the time, proximity to my wonderful boyfriend, time to do other things like read, make art, be alone, even do nothing. I wanted to be ALL the sides of me and not sacrifice the others for one. Feeling the uncomfortable cringe of the moment, I gracefully recovered (ok, I back peddled to save face) by saying something like, "You're asking me if I really want this? Well yes! I really do!" My faux conviction had even me convinced for a moment until all my earlier hesitations slapped me with certainty square across the jaw when I got home. There were simply other things more important to me than music. And I let a big fish go.

Now I'm moved and working hard in the office grind. And yet, with the spur of encouragement from my peers I feel re-inspired and full of sparks-- the kind that put the jump in your bones that you can't settle down, that make you anxious to feel forward movement and to be the fire your dreams said you could be. You know, I never, EVER liked Taylor Swift. Nothing against her, except that I'm sworn to hate her because she is ALSO blonde, curly haired, and doing what I wanted to because she had the conviction, patience and drive to do it. I'll admit I respect that, though I remain ambivalent about her music and vocal talent. I see her and I think, "Bitch stole my spot!" But did she? I hadn't wanted it. I had never FULLY tried. But I really DO have the passion for it! Music enriches my life and lifts me to a place where no one can reach me. When I get to sing for people, if I'm comfortable enough, it's hard to describe the place I find. It's like closing your eyes and seeing a field, vast and open and quiet. It's like wading forward waist deep in a river as warm as bathwater while the whole landscape around is filled with light. Have I lost you in sappiness yet? On behalf of my poetic side I apologize and digress. I feel that during a song people can truly see me and the landscape I envision. For a long time I only wanted it for myself.

To end this tirade, I finish with these thoughts: Why not LA? Why not New York? Why not even Boston? Could I start to dedicate all extra time to this music and find out what I'm made of? I think yes. And now because of timing, I think I could do it without sacrificing much at all. I am lucky enough to feel the support of my loved ones behind me and to have enough excitement and curiosity about the performance lifestyle to test the waters. Am I ready to stop dreaming, and to act? Think on your own dreams, are you? Maybe it's time to stop keeping hopes and wishes from growing into actualities. So for now I gather creative energy and confidence by practicing, writing and actively thinking about ways to make this work. (If I keep lists I'm ten times more likely to accomplish something!) So step by step! And it doesn't matter how long the stride. Just be moving forward. No more beating myself up about flip flopping on this countless times before, time to focus on now and the idea that only you can make your dreams come true. Get going.

Love,
Em


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are younot to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Music Runs in the Family

Concert '08