Goodbye Portland

Dear Blog,
Once again it's time to look back at the past year and reflect on how much has changed. On just how much this move to Maine has changed my life for the better. My room is packed and I'm feeling a little lonely today, perhaps because my safe haven room is now in pieces. I woke in a bad mood this morning because 1) I couldn't sleep last night. I just couldn't turn my thoughts off and finally had to write them all down (stupid errand things like: fix the car door, should I drive to Boston this weekend, spackle the walls, sell my night stand, blah blah blah...) and read for a half hour before falling asleep at 3 a.m. 2) My room is a hot, foreign, non-inviting zone right now. 3) Last night my computer crashed. So! To solve this problem I made an appointment this morning at the Apple store and shipped out into the bright, hot summer day. While I was parking at the mall a pleasant scent wafted in through my open window and surprised me...

Here, in the middle of asphalt and concrete I smelled earth and sweet grasses, rich and musty and warm. It brought me right back to the peaceful solitude during the summer last year on the farm where I participated in an artist colony. I remembered suddenly--stopped dead in the quiet lot--the sparkling pond, the wild geese, the rosebush and rolling meadow, the cool breezes. I remembered how the quiet of those fields both filled my heart and left me lonely. I had stepped out on my own in going there, and began experimenting with full independence. No guidelines or rules or how-to's. It was as though my life was opening up before me and I was taking the first steps there. I was scared to separate myself from family and home. I felt exhilarated and also, alone.

At night while I lay wide awake to ward off mosquitoes, I'd often watch the patch of moonlight crawl across the floor and listen to the frog's mourning groan rising from the wildflower patches around the pond. The sound projecting over the lawn and through the open windows pulsed in my ears along with the sporadic buzzing of mosquito wings. I recalled how jumping in the bay at the far end of the property, cannonballing into the seaweed to escape the bite of horse flies, I'd felt the sharp cold knife of freedom and growing up. Today all of these sensations came rushing back to me like seeing the face of a childhood friend in an unexpected context. It felt bittersweet, and good. So I burrowed in that feeling until I felt at peace with it and the stillness of the morning.

As the day progressed, my computer was fixed and I made a new friend-Henry the five-year-old hanging with his mom in the Apple store, who reminded me what it was to dream about the future. When I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up he promptly replied, "I'm going to move up here from Florida. I'm going to buy a car and get my driver's license. I'm going to work at Maine Medical, become a restaurant owner and go to culinary school. It's going to be an Italian restaurant, I'm going to change owner's at the Amato's, its gonna be close to my house. Oh and the plane had chips with honey-spice." This kid was brilliant. He wanted so many different things and had such confidence that they were all going to happen. To top it all off, honey-spice! Seize the day kid. Well. I am very much looking forward to moving to Boston and following all of my own passions, none of which I feel the need to exclude. There's pastry making, writing, sculpting, painting, photography, dancing, singing, song-writing, maybe I'll even buy a nice car, thank god driver's license is checked off my list.

You know... While here in Portland I made so many amazing friends and I can't wait to come back and visit them. I learned how to be so much more resourceful than I've ever been and how to really take care of myself. I discovered how to be more proactive with my life- It's no curriculum. Nothing it set for you. You want something done, go and make it happen yourself. I learned to cook, I learned how clean I like things to be (Yes. This is very important), I learned what kind of community I yearn for, how to have confidence, how to love again and what it meant to be me. I saw that you can find strength at the end of your hardest moments and in the midst of your happiest ones. Especially when you have the most amazing friends right there with you, no matter what kind of day you're having. All of you Portland friends, and you know who you are, thank you for your wisdom, kindness, love, generosity, caring and happiness. I'm taking all of this and more with me through these next stages and what I can't take with me I'll come back and visit often-

For example, the bay at the end of the street, with the white sails and the salty air and the foghorns sounding and the islands out in the blue. I'll miss the seagulls hawing overhead while walking the cobblestone streets of the old port and how playing music there in the aisles of buildings felt like performing to friends in my living room. I'll miss the small bookshop, the bright market full of organic, delicious fresh produce and warm smiles, right next to the coffee shop that makes the world's best iced-vanilla latte where you can sit from sun-up to sundown writing, reading and bumping into friends. I'll miss the fact that going anywhere takes only five to ten minutes and that the food and drink are good and cheap. Joe and I have a spot at a local bar, right behind the wide floor-to-ceiling window where we watched the drunks slide and face plant on the ice in winter, kiss across the street in the summer, and laugh their hardest laughs throughout it all. The good part is, this town aint goin no where. And something in me says that I'll be back someday.

Sammie, Max and Hassan. What can I say? You're family. I love you with all of my heart and thank goodness I'm only two hours away from you. We'll play music in Boston AND Portland now. I know I can always talk to you about anything and everything, your friendship is so important to me and I know we'll be friends for life. Kip and Cammie, thank you for, gosh, I don't know... EVERYTHING. For becoming fast family.You truly were a rock of love, fun and joy in my life and I know we'll keep in touch! You, Jack and Bird made this city not just another place to be, but a real home. I just love you guys... Chris, I'll never forget how good you were to call me back when I crashed my car this winter and how you drove me to our next wallyball game. Thanks for keeping things light-hearted when times were looking tough. You are so warm-hearted and kind, and the funniest guy I know. Amanda, thank you for being my kindred spirit from the moment we met. You're so amazingly bright, talented, wise and beautiful inside and out. Sarah, April, Heather, you are the most perfect ladies! I've had so much fun hanging out with you. I never really hung out with too many girls before you three. You're smiles and sense of humor are unforgettable. Shana, you're seriously the coolest. Good luck with your show! Stephen, Bryant, Chris G., John, Morgan, Dave, how I'll miss you! Well, Stephen you're already missed since you moved, you stinker. The list keeps going and this post just keeps getting longer but if you haven't been called out yet it's not for lack of influence on my life. I seriously am so grateful for you. And love you so!

To sum it up, the other night I was out filming for my music video with Luke, my filmmaking friend. It was about 8:30 or so and there were two ladies at the end of my block saying their goodbye's for the night. One of the women had turned her car on and her headlights were beaming out towards us. She and her friend stood in the light talking, the shadows of their legs--one woman in wide stance, the other with one foot just in front of the other--stretched an entire block, three dark columns in the pale yellow, while the sky was light blue, to green, to deep blue beyond them. The colors, the lights on inside the apartment complexes, it all felt like a dream. It was a beautiful image and I wished I'd had my camera. This is a city of friends. It's not perfect, but it's got so much heart. Before coming here I was invested in solving the struggles of my family, which, don't get me wrong, helped shape me and make me better now. But still I just want to take this opportunity to say, "Thank you Portland. You've given me my own two feet to stand on, my own dreams to follow and my own life to live." (Now come visit me mom, dad and Jesi).
Since I'm feeling so at peace in this moment I'll end in true yoga fashion...
Namaste.

E.