"Butterfingers" Sounds Like it Should be a Good Thing
You know that moment when you realize your parents are only human? I feel like I just had that realization about myself.
First, let me say that I love my parents and of course had to realize at some point that they were not omniscient or superman. Though sometimes I wonder... To be clear, let's say I'm currently disappointed and frustrated with myself...
I'm clumsy.
I don't recall ever being so clumsy as a child, or pre-teen, or adolescent or even as a younger woman just four years ago. Over the past five months I've been noticing my uncanny inability to hold onto an object, to button a shirt correctly, to remember important details, to keep from spilling drinks and powders and foods and bags of just... stuff. When did my hands and even my mind become so untrustworthy? When did my body lose register of it's environment, leading me to pinch fingers, bump toes, hit my head on cabinets I thought I had closed? All of the sudden I hear myself trying to convince people, "I never used to be like this!!" I hear myself saying "Typical. This is just so typical." WHEN DID THIS BECOME TYPICAL FOR ME I DO NOT APPROVE!
Family members may correct me if I'm wrong, for to a degree I have been known--all my life--to be sometimes, well, flighty and forgetful. Although I remember, as a young girl, having a general feeling of gratitute toward the universe for (at least) moderate levels of grace in the world. I never questioned myself or the strength and steadfastness of my own two hands, in fact I trusted my hands most of all. I could do anything! Be anything! Dream anything! Whether it was creating art, unravelling knotted necklaces, carrying three to four glasses at once to serve to friends, or various odds-and-ends tasks, my hands have always been my vehicle. Yet now, sadly in the physical world as well as the spiritual/emotional one I just can't seem to get a grip!
In the past six months I have moved to a new city and started working full time for the first time (yea yea, what's new Emily?) I find myself struggling to stay afloat and to find a composed, secure grasp of the earth beneath my feet. Every day this commute and job is whirlwind and life is moving at such a pace that I can't register how I feel or where I stand until my feet are knocked from under me by the buildup of these feelings- Sadness over lack of time with friends, lack of time for creativity, lack of TIME. This happens at least once, often twice per month where I find myself venting to my mother, my boyfriend, a friend I haven't called in months. Excuse the tacky metaphor but I feel as though I've been riding a train through the most beautiful country but it's moving so quickly that the scenery is a blur. It's a nightmare in which I can only shout out, "Wait! Wait! Slow down I want to see what's happening!" But the train keeps speeding forward and I want to cry over the landscapes lost and unseen.
I look at myself in the mirror these days and I see a boring hermit girl who's lost her fire and inspiration, who has failed to be a true friend by uncontrollably drifiting away. Alternatively and to be perfectly honest, my closest friends from the good-ol days don't really call me either. Yes, I love you and I'm calling ALL OF US OUT for being absolutely, lame-ass sucky friends to one another; a bitter pill to swallow since you all know how I feel about you. You have no idea how much I miss you, care about you, am sustained by your friendship and it has been devastating to find myself more or less adrift without it.
How did we become so busy that we let our friendships slip through our clumsy fingers? Are all of our new AH-dult, 9-5 lives really prying us apart like this or are we just being lazy now that we live so far apart? This is about the point at which my horribly evil, over analytical mind starts wondering if we are, or were as close as I thought we were. I think back on certain memories and feel that no! These were undeniably the best moments, best friends of my life... And yet, without being able to anchor myself here with the thought of these people symbolically by my side, I have simply been a lost and frustrated duckie and I'm still not sure how to fix this.
Perhaps it is time to address the heart of the issues:
1) This is not my turf
2) This is not my ideal location to live
3) Loneliness and lack of inspiration
NOW it's time to resolve-
1) Live here longer. Get to know Boston until it's like a crazy uncle. Love him for who he is and find comfort in the fact that he, despite his craziness, rude attitude and smelly feet, can feel like home.
2) Move. Once it's warmer out, find a spot that's not buried between other apartment complexes. Find a spot next to a coffee shop and a yoga studio. Done and Done and happiness abounds.
3) Keep keeping your heart open, your eyes open, your ears and arms open. No more holing up. No more I say. Keep a respectful amount of spare time for one's self and the rest dedicate to being receptive and motivated to find new music, art, dance, I mean go see some freakin shows Emily, you love that shit.
Perhaps I should also be more forgiving as well. I know what Time looks like and it's a freaking fast little devil soaked in butter. And he bites. How can anyone be friends like they were in College days when now you can't hold onto any bit of free time? I mean we're trying to figure out what we want our futures to look like and it's not easy being in touch with these pressing issues. It doesn't help when you're so far from one another either. I don't know. Hear me though when I say again, that I miss your presence in my life. All of the time. And this kind of time sticks like peanut butter on jelly.
Well, I think I've got it under control now and at least temporarily reigned in my emotions. Now if only I could cure butterfingers with a self-addressed letter of encouragement. It's time for bed, since it's a horrifying ten minutes past my bed time. I hate early mornings when it's cold out, being sleepy and having to go out into the arctic chill is just so wrong.
Take care everyone. If winter is a tough time for you too, surround yourself with color. Seriously, check out these blogs they make me so happy-
http://colorfulhomes.tumblr.com
http://wearcolor.tumblr.com/
http://www.thisiscolossal.com/
Love always,
Emily
P.S. I miss you you little peanut! You little nugget you! And your adorable laugh and your squeezy hugs and your beautiful family. Kiss your (relatively) new baby bro for me, and hug your big bro for me too. Tell your parents they're the coolest. And they're awesome. And that this summer I want an iced fudge coffee from Kip. :)
First, let me say that I love my parents and of course had to realize at some point that they were not omniscient or superman. Though sometimes I wonder... To be clear, let's say I'm currently disappointed and frustrated with myself...
I'm clumsy.
I don't recall ever being so clumsy as a child, or pre-teen, or adolescent or even as a younger woman just four years ago. Over the past five months I've been noticing my uncanny inability to hold onto an object, to button a shirt correctly, to remember important details, to keep from spilling drinks and powders and foods and bags of just... stuff. When did my hands and even my mind become so untrustworthy? When did my body lose register of it's environment, leading me to pinch fingers, bump toes, hit my head on cabinets I thought I had closed? All of the sudden I hear myself trying to convince people, "I never used to be like this!!" I hear myself saying "Typical. This is just so typical." WHEN DID THIS BECOME TYPICAL FOR ME I DO NOT APPROVE!
Family members may correct me if I'm wrong, for to a degree I have been known--all my life--to be sometimes, well, flighty and forgetful. Although I remember, as a young girl, having a general feeling of gratitute toward the universe for (at least) moderate levels of grace in the world. I never questioned myself or the strength and steadfastness of my own two hands, in fact I trusted my hands most of all. I could do anything! Be anything! Dream anything! Whether it was creating art, unravelling knotted necklaces, carrying three to four glasses at once to serve to friends, or various odds-and-ends tasks, my hands have always been my vehicle. Yet now, sadly in the physical world as well as the spiritual/emotional one I just can't seem to get a grip!
In the past six months I have moved to a new city and started working full time for the first time (yea yea, what's new Emily?) I find myself struggling to stay afloat and to find a composed, secure grasp of the earth beneath my feet. Every day this commute and job is whirlwind and life is moving at such a pace that I can't register how I feel or where I stand until my feet are knocked from under me by the buildup of these feelings- Sadness over lack of time with friends, lack of time for creativity, lack of TIME. This happens at least once, often twice per month where I find myself venting to my mother, my boyfriend, a friend I haven't called in months. Excuse the tacky metaphor but I feel as though I've been riding a train through the most beautiful country but it's moving so quickly that the scenery is a blur. It's a nightmare in which I can only shout out, "Wait! Wait! Slow down I want to see what's happening!" But the train keeps speeding forward and I want to cry over the landscapes lost and unseen.
I look at myself in the mirror these days and I see a boring hermit girl who's lost her fire and inspiration, who has failed to be a true friend by uncontrollably drifiting away. Alternatively and to be perfectly honest, my closest friends from the good-ol days don't really call me either. Yes, I love you and I'm calling ALL OF US OUT for being absolutely, lame-ass sucky friends to one another; a bitter pill to swallow since you all know how I feel about you. You have no idea how much I miss you, care about you, am sustained by your friendship and it has been devastating to find myself more or less adrift without it.
How did we become so busy that we let our friendships slip through our clumsy fingers? Are all of our new AH-dult, 9-5 lives really prying us apart like this or are we just being lazy now that we live so far apart? This is about the point at which my horribly evil, over analytical mind starts wondering if we are, or were as close as I thought we were. I think back on certain memories and feel that no! These were undeniably the best moments, best friends of my life... And yet, without being able to anchor myself here with the thought of these people symbolically by my side, I have simply been a lost and frustrated duckie and I'm still not sure how to fix this.
Perhaps it is time to address the heart of the issues:
1) This is not my turf
2) This is not my ideal location to live
3) Loneliness and lack of inspiration
NOW it's time to resolve-
1) Live here longer. Get to know Boston until it's like a crazy uncle. Love him for who he is and find comfort in the fact that he, despite his craziness, rude attitude and smelly feet, can feel like home.
2) Move. Once it's warmer out, find a spot that's not buried between other apartment complexes. Find a spot next to a coffee shop and a yoga studio. Done and Done and happiness abounds.
3) Keep keeping your heart open, your eyes open, your ears and arms open. No more holing up. No more I say. Keep a respectful amount of spare time for one's self and the rest dedicate to being receptive and motivated to find new music, art, dance, I mean go see some freakin shows Emily, you love that shit.
Perhaps I should also be more forgiving as well. I know what Time looks like and it's a freaking fast little devil soaked in butter. And he bites. How can anyone be friends like they were in College days when now you can't hold onto any bit of free time? I mean we're trying to figure out what we want our futures to look like and it's not easy being in touch with these pressing issues. It doesn't help when you're so far from one another either. I don't know. Hear me though when I say again, that I miss your presence in my life. All of the time. And this kind of time sticks like peanut butter on jelly.
Well, I think I've got it under control now and at least temporarily reigned in my emotions. Now if only I could cure butterfingers with a self-addressed letter of encouragement. It's time for bed, since it's a horrifying ten minutes past my bed time. I hate early mornings when it's cold out, being sleepy and having to go out into the arctic chill is just so wrong.
Take care everyone. If winter is a tough time for you too, surround yourself with color. Seriously, check out these blogs they make me so happy-
http://colorfulhomes.tumblr.com
http://wearcolor.tumblr.com/
http://www.thisiscolossal.com/
Love always,
Emily
P.S. I miss you you little peanut! You little nugget you! And your adorable laugh and your squeezy hugs and your beautiful family. Kiss your (relatively) new baby bro for me, and hug your big bro for me too. Tell your parents they're the coolest. And they're awesome. And that this summer I want an iced fudge coffee from Kip. :)
I can't wait to feel like this...
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